I woke up today with zero motivation and zero inspiration. I am not entirely with no motivation but it is more like the motivation that keeps me awake is not the type that I need. As I stare the blank ceiling and watching how the fan rotates and the blinds hitting the wall as the wall slammed against it, I felt like the world is heavy at the moment. There is no clear explanation nor can I articulate this feeling but it feels like it's just another day for me to waste.
I remembered that my exams are coming soon. I remembered talking about it with my friends and how it made them anxious as the day pass by fast than we expected. We have approximately 8 more days before our first paper and all the law students feel dreadful when the night comes because it signifies the end of day and tomorrow is coming. And the time is not expanding. It's getting closer and we fear for our 3 hours in the exam hall.
Somehow, I feel empty inside. I need to be exam-oriented, my head space is supposed to be filled with the idea of revising every part of the law books and memorising all the past cases in order to get the exam right. But how do I even do well in what I do if I have nothing to inspire me at the moment? My mind is complicated. Some days I feel things that I need to keep control, some days it just keep me on pause, like I need to take a step back because of the momentum of life is draining me emotionally and spiritually.
So i woke up, got out of my bed, went for a shower, dressed up and went downstairs to get my lunch fixed. As I was waiting for my food to arrive, I remembered the last night's conversation I had with one of the people I know. We were talking about exploring oneself to the point where everything feels familiar. Because sometimes even though we say things such as 'I know myself', the conundrum remained unanswered; how much?
How much can a person know himself? Do we even know why we feel sad about certain things? Why little things can bring so much joy in you? Why we see thing so differently than others? We always say things such as 'I see things differently than other people because I like to put meaning in everything'. but why do we put so much emphasis on trivial matters as such? The fact that we find joy in the most silliest things makes me wondered if we ever know the reasoning to all this fixations that we have on the ridiculous connections. As for me, that is the question that I always seems to ask myself. Why do I feel so sad when I cannot interpret someone's word according to other's interpretation? Sometimes it affects me so much, I began to ask myself, why do I burden myself with all these confusions when I can just drop the subject matter and carry on with my life. But I couldn't. The thirst for answers and the curiosity of how things relate to each other lead me on my search for clarity and deeper understanding of the complicated human's world.
I started to do a few researches. Do you know the saying that goes something like this,'to make a change, it all starts with you.' So I did, I started with the most intricate subject matter in my whole universe; myself. Why do I use the word 'intricate'? If someone were to come to me and ask me 'describe yourself in 3 words', I could not ever answer them. Because I know I am more than just 3 words but I could not pick any of the words and summarized me so carelessly.
If someone wants to describe me, they will find a string of events and histories that created me. The unique thing about this string is that it is endless. You are not allowed to imagine the other end of the strings because I am a human being and as universally acknowledged and studied by few of those who interested enough and curious enough to study about the human being, will always change and evolved. There is no expiry date on that matter.
The question that you should always ask whenever you want to know someone is am I curious enough to learn about someone? And if I do, will I accept every parts of them that made them who they are now?
I just have to get this off my chest.
I realised that I have always been clinging on my past despite my mouth saying 'I've moved on', I am still there hanging out with my past. All the hurtful feelings and sadness that accompanied me in my past is still there, waiting for me in every situation possible.
Let me paint you a picture. I always imagine my life as a huge dark room. My four walls are all my priorities; love, family, friends and myself. The darkness is my past and despair. And I am standing in the middle of the room constantly changing my position within these four walls. No matter where I go, the darkness is still chasing me around in the room. I could hear voices outside of the room but somehow I could not get myself out of the room, I have been in that darkness for so long until to the point when the darkness feels comforting. I always wish for a little light in my small room but what if I don't like the light? What if the ray is too bright for me to look into it?
At times there will be windows appearing in each wall, allowing the outside light to penetrate through the darkness. When it happen, I became fascinated by the wonders that the outside world has to offer. Slowly, it distracted me from my reality. I started to look outside of the windows, wondering and wishing I could reach for the joy and beauty outside. So I tried to reach for it but the glass window stands between me and the outside world. I panicked. I hit and punched the glass but all of my efforts are in vain. I could see laughter, people running in joy and smiles so bright it can make your heart glow. I saw my reflection on the glass window and it dawned on me, no matter how much I tried, I could never leave this room and its darkness. I am forever engulfed in the darkness that lurks in every corner of the room. How could you leave a place where everything already feels like home to you?
I took a step back and turned my back on the windows. The further I go into the darkness, the less visible the windows. And I am back in the embrace of the darkness, waiting for another window to appear again. Sometimes I love my dark room, it's my safe place to be. I will always be somewhere where everything feels familiar.
*inner fashionista emerging*
Before I start on the list, let me make this clear, all of the pictures that I took are not mine, I'll put the link for every photos that will direct you to the actual website. Oh and yeah, it is not sponsored by anyone, I am merely borrowing their pictures.
(But in case Zalora wants to colab, I will be waiting for your email *wink*)
A new year and everyone is seeking for a new, fresh idea on how to make 2017 better than 2016. The one goal that at least from what I know, will always have is to spice up the new year with the new style. As for me, I just found out my go-to style this year. I always love the preppy looks because it makes me look sophisticated and at the same time, decent and not too eye-catching.(I always get nervous if people look at my outfit)
Anyway, here's my 5 Zalora wishlist for January 2017.
1. ZALORA Essential Long Sleeve Blouse
- I am a blouse-lover. I don't know how to rock casual but I always feel confident a blouse than t-shirts or cardigan. I love the color and the fact that it has a V neck, it makes me wanting it even more. I always love V neck blouse and the sleeve is comfortable.
- To view this: click here.
2. Zalia Embroidered Crop Top
- As much as I love plain design, I would opt for this top. The pattern is pretty and the details are subtle yet it does not make it look dull. For me, this would definitely be my casual look that I would go for.
- To view this: click here
3. Velvet Quilted Flap Handbag
- I am not a big fan of small handbag but this one just takes my breath away. The beautiful nude color makes all the exceptions for my the bigger-bag-is-better rule. I would love to go to the mall or hang out at the cafe with my friends with this beauty.
- To view this: click here.
4. Mango Stiletto Heels
- Every girls need a pair of sexy stiletto and this one definitely the one that I need. The red color will make any dull outfits looks more interesting. There's a saying, we live only once, so we should be walking in style. And yea, I made that up.
- To view this: click here
5. CLUSE Minuit Gold White/Pink 33m
- I love watches. Although Daniel Wellington seems irresistible, this one is simply gorgeous. The simplicity of the watch and the pretty shade of white/pink makes this watch very alluring.
- To view this: click here
There are so much more that I want to put on this list but 5 would be enough for now or else I'll be crying on the floor because I cannot afford all these stuffs.