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I hope you're not fine.

Dear you,

I hope you're doing fine there. Although deep inside, I really hope that you are not fine without me. Apparently, that is not the case here. I have been missing you day and night, thinking about what were you up to right now while you were out there enjoying life. I must ask, how is life without me in sight and in mind?

You asked me why am I always sulking when we didn't talk for a few days, and why am I throwing all these tantrums just to annoy you until we stopped talking to each other for a few days. Why I always want to be assure of our love and why I always call you at the wrong times. I missed you, that's my biggest reason, I miss talking to you, laughing with you, talking about stupid stuffs with you. The thing that I miss the most is your cheerful voice that you make when I said hi.

But now everything seems rather grey from my perspective. You stopped being cheerful when hearing my voice, you always get annoyed when I get a little talkative about your whereabouts these few days and you got bored when I asked for your assurance. You called me ego for always being angry at anything, I wasn't. I was trying to tell you that I just need your comforting words because you are the comfort that I will always look for. You called me ungrateful when I demand something from you about our relationship. I wasn't. I was just telling you my future plans that includes you in my plan.

It gets very tiring when all I can do is cry about it and put the blame on me. I wish we didn't have to put any blame on either of us, instead we talk it out and sort out the problem that has caused such misery upon us. You said I've changed and now I am not denying it. I've changed because of my love to you. I wouldn't be myself right now if it wasn't for our relationship. It demands me to change. I would never succumb myself to such uncertain relationship if it is not because I love you a little too much. I would never belittle myself to accept the blames, even the one that is not mine, because fighting with you hurts me so much. I was a stubborn lady before I met you. I would never say yes to anything that drag me down even a bit but because I care so much about you, I let you drag me down. Because if going down will make you stay, then I don't want to stay higher.

Since I've changed, I have lost my words. I don't know how to tell you what I really feel and when I do, you viewed it as a rebellion towards the 'happiness' we had right now. It is more of a threat than a chance to rectify the flaws in our relationship. When I tell you I was unhappy, you tell me to find happiness in somebody's arm instead. I was devastated when you uttered those words because it was not the words that I've expected. I've opened up to you more than I ever did with any man but it is still not enough to convince you of my loyalty to you. Instead, you asked me to quit trying. Do you even remember those words you've said? I know you didn't because it is just another trivial matter that you should never bothered with. Here I am, too scared to leave because I don't want to lose you and yet you show me no improvement or efforts to ask me to stay. You asked me to stop trying.

You told me to stop crying because you hated it. But I am still crying because of the thought of losing you almost kills me. It haunts me in every dream every night. That day when I asked for a closure, you seems reluctant to let go of me. You said it affected you when I said the words and made sure that I must remember to be grateful for having you around. My mind said I should not bow down to your opinion because I should know what's best for my life but my heart whispered that you were just trying to show me that there's a chance for us again. So I stayed. However, my tears won't stop flowing. Because when I reconsidered my answer, I didn't realized that I was back at the same place again.

I hope you are reading this somehow. I hope you are reading this because you are trying to figure out what is wrong with me lately. I really hope that you're not fine when I'm not around. I really do.

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