I realised that I have always been clinging on my past despite my mouth saying 'I've moved on', I am still there hanging out with my past. All the hurtful feelings and sadness that accompanied me in my past is still there, waiting for me in every situation possible.
Let me paint you a picture. I always imagine my life as a huge dark room. My four walls are all my priorities; love, family, friends and myself. The darkness is my past and despair. And I am standing in the middle of the room constantly changing my position within these four walls. No matter where I go, the darkness is still chasing me around in the room. I could hear voices outside of the room but somehow I could not get myself out of the room, I have been in that darkness for so long until to the point when the darkness feels comforting. I always wish for a little light in my small room but what if I don't like the light? What if the ray is too bright for me to look into it?
At times there will be windows appearing in each wall, allowing the outside light to penetrate through the darkness. When it happen, I became fascinated by the wonders that the outside world has to offer. Slowly, it distracted me from my reality. I started to look outside of the windows, wondering and wishing I could reach for the joy and beauty outside. So I tried to reach for it but the glass window stands between me and the outside world. I panicked. I hit and punched the glass but all of my efforts are in vain. I could see laughter, people running in joy and smiles so bright it can make your heart glow. I saw my reflection on the glass window and it dawned on me, no matter how much I tried, I could never leave this room and its darkness. I am forever engulfed in the darkness that lurks in every corner of the room. How could you leave a place where everything already feels like home to you?
I took a step back and turned my back on the windows. The further I go into the darkness, the less visible the windows. And I am back in the embrace of the darkness, waiting for another window to appear again. Sometimes I love my dark room, it's my safe place to be. I will always be somewhere where everything feels familiar.