I woke up today with zero motivation and zero inspiration. I am not entirely with no motivation but it is more like the motivation that keeps me awake is not the type that I need. As I stare the blank ceiling and watching how the fan rotates and the blinds hitting the wall as the wall slammed against it, I felt like the world is heavy at the moment. There is no clear explanation nor can I articulate this feeling but it feels like it's just another day for me to waste.
I remembered that my exams are coming soon. I remembered talking about it with my friends and how it made them anxious as the day pass by fast than we expected. We have approximately 8 more days before our first paper and all the law students feel dreadful when the night comes because it signifies the end of day and tomorrow is coming. And the time is not expanding. It's getting closer and we fear for our 3 hours in the exam hall.
Somehow, I feel empty inside. I need to be exam-oriented, my head space is supposed to be filled with the idea of revising every part of the law books and memorising all the past cases in order to get the exam right. But how do I even do well in what I do if I have nothing to inspire me at the moment? My mind is complicated. Some days I feel things that I need to keep control, some days it just keep me on pause, like I need to take a step back because of the momentum of life is draining me emotionally and spiritually.
So i woke up, got out of my bed, went for a shower, dressed up and went downstairs to get my lunch fixed. As I was waiting for my food to arrive, I remembered the last night's conversation I had with one of the people I know. We were talking about exploring oneself to the point where everything feels familiar. Because sometimes even though we say things such as 'I know myself', the conundrum remained unanswered; how much?
How much can a person know himself? Do we even know why we feel sad about certain things? Why little things can bring so much joy in you? Why we see thing so differently than others? We always say things such as 'I see things differently than other people because I like to put meaning in everything'. but why do we put so much emphasis on trivial matters as such? The fact that we find joy in the most silliest things makes me wondered if we ever know the reasoning to all this fixations that we have on the ridiculous connections. As for me, that is the question that I always seems to ask myself. Why do I feel so sad when I cannot interpret someone's word according to other's interpretation? Sometimes it affects me so much, I began to ask myself, why do I burden myself with all these confusions when I can just drop the subject matter and carry on with my life. But I couldn't. The thirst for answers and the curiosity of how things relate to each other lead me on my search for clarity and deeper understanding of the complicated human's world.
I started to do a few researches. Do you know the saying that goes something like this,'to make a change, it all starts with you.' So I did, I started with the most intricate subject matter in my whole universe; myself. Why do I use the word 'intricate'? If someone were to come to me and ask me 'describe yourself in 3 words', I could not ever answer them. Because I know I am more than just 3 words but I could not pick any of the words and summarized me so carelessly.
If someone wants to describe me, they will find a string of events and histories that created me. The unique thing about this string is that it is endless. You are not allowed to imagine the other end of the strings because I am a human being and as universally acknowledged and studied by few of those who interested enough and curious enough to study about the human being, will always change and evolved. There is no expiry date on that matter.
The question that you should always ask whenever you want to know someone is am I curious enough to learn about someone? And if I do, will I accept every parts of them that made them who they are now?